I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
