i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
