Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He shit in the fireplace
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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