I wish life had little blips of pornography
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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