I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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