I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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