my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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