I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
