Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
