woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
In America we eat man semen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
