somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
