have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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