if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just invented taco cereal.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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