After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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