Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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