Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize