i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
