you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
