the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
