Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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