if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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