theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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