Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When are your genitals available?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
