Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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