I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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