he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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