is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize