I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
