i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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