in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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