The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
