He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
