I'm really into asian looking animals
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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