Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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