I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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