i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize