maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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