I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
