i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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