you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
