shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
