I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
