Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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