I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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