you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
