This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
