Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
