i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
