I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
