If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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