he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize