I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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