She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
