She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
