yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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