Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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